Hermione Granger and the Muggle Studies Disaster
by random moonbeam
Summary: Hermione goes to the southern United States as a foreign exchange student. She is placed in a redneck community, and becomes quite miserable…then interesting things begin to happen…
1. Default Chapter

Hermione Granger and the Muggle Studies Disaster

This story is meant to expose all the annoying rednecks, and overly pious-religious nuts…if you are one, then don't read the story. If you live in Kentucky, please don't take offense, but consider therapy.

Hermione Meets Her First Real Rednecks

Hermione Granger was sitting in her muggle studies class taking notes furiously, when Professor McGonagall announced that they would be participating in an exciting new project. "For the next four weeks you will each go to live with a muggle family. You will not be allowed to use magic. You must live exactly as they do. It's what muggles call a 'foreign exchange program'. I will be giving extra credit to anyone who chooses to visit a muggle family in a foreign country."

Hermione had spent the first ten years of her life living in the muggle world, however she was sure that after growing so accustomed to relying on magic, the experience would be quite interesting. But, to ensure that she learned as much as possible she chose to go to another country. After much deliberation she decided to go to the United States of America. As Ron pointed out, there was the added bonus that they spoke English in the United States, and even Hermione wasn't likely to become fluent in a foreign language in just one week before leaving.

Professor McGonagall made all of the necessary arrangements, and one week later escorted Hermione to the airport. Once she had boarded the plane, Hermione pulled out the information (that she had not quite committed to memory yet) that she had been provided with. She was going to be staying with the Mr. and Mrs. James Smith. The Smiths had two children, fourteen year old BillyBobbyGeorgieBoy, and sixteen year old MaryPeggySueLynn. The Smith family lived in a small farming town in eastern Kentucky. Looking at a map of the United States, Hermione found that Kentucky is in the southern portion of the country.

The flight was quite long, and Hermione slept through most of it, so that she would have enough energy to completely absorb all of her new surroundings when they landed. When Hermione entered the small Kentucky airport she began eagerly searching for her new family. It didn't take her long to find them. Mr. Smith was a tall muscular man; his skin was quite dark from the sun. Mrs. Smith was plump, with blonde hair, and a sweet face. BillyBobbyGeorgieBoy was a shorter, scrawnier version of his father, muddy overalls and all. MaryPeggySueLynn had dark brown hair like her father, and was pretty in a rather plain way. She was wearing tight blue jeans and a pink T-shirt. "Hi, I'm Hermione, your exchange student from England," she introduced herself.

"Hey!" MaryPeggySueLynn said in a soft voice.

"Did yew say yer name is 'Her-muney'?" Mr. Smith asked. "Naow, why do yew have uh name like tha-at? Yer parents weren't none of them up-start hippies were they?" he demanded.

"James!" Mrs. Smith cut him off. "She's from a foreign country. She can't help it that her name is funny," she said giving him a fierce look. "What's your middle name darlin'?" she asked, turning her attention to Hermione.

"Elizabeth," Hermione choked out. This was not going at all the way she had imagined.

"Well then, we'll call you Lizzy. How's that sweetheart?" she asked absolutely beaming at Hermione.

"Um…Al, A, All right," Hermione stammered, quite taken aback.

"Well, lets get your bags and go find something to eat," Mrs. Smith suggested.

On the way out to the car Hermione noticed that Mr. Smith and BillyBobbyGeorgieBoy both spit a nasty looking brown liquid out of their mouths quite frequently. After loading her luggage into the family's pick-up truck they left the airport. They drove through a large amount of barren fields and farmland that Hermione got to observe close up, because she was sitting in the pick-up bed with BillyBobbyGeorgieBoy and MaryPeggySueLynn. A few miles down the road, they stopped to eat at the Country Diner.

Mr. Smith ordered for everyone except BillyBobbyGeorgieBoy, so Hermione didn't even have a chance to choose something that she might like. When her plate was placed in front of her she stared at it in horror. There was an unidentifiable piece of meat that had been breaded and fried. She presumed that it was chicken. As she stared at it she could see a puddle of grease forming around it. Beside the chicken was a roll. Hermione quickly moved it, before it could become contaminated with chicken fat. There was also a heaping pile of some greenish-white food that BillyBobbyGeorgieBoy called coleslaw. Hermione nibbled at her role while everyone else shoveled food into their mouths at top speed. A few moments passed before anyone noticed that Hermione wasn't eating. "What's the matter Lizzy, aren't you hungry?" MaryPeggySueLynn asked.

"Oh, they fed us on the plane," Hermione lied.

"Can I have whutever yer not gunna eat?" BillyBobbyGeorgieBoy asked.

"BillyBobbyGeorgieBoy! Use yer manners," Mr. Smith barked.

"Can I have whutever yer not gunna eat please?" BillyBobbyGeorgieBoy amended.

"Sure," Hermione said pushing her plate towards him. Within moments all of the food was gone.

"You didn't have dessert on the plane did you?" Mrs. Smith asked.

"No," Hermione said, wondering if that was a wise decision. To her relief they only ordered her a slice of "all American apple pie" which, to her surprise, she actually enjoyed.

Later that night while Hermione was settling into her new room when MaryPeggySueLynn ame to visit. "You know, Lizzy, I've always wanted to have a sister…we're going to have all kinds of fun you know. We'll stay up late talking, and share clothes, and do all sorts of fun things," she beamed.

"I'm sure we will," Hermione began warily.

"Would you like a snack? I'm starving," MaryPeggySueLynn inquired sweetly.

"Sure," Hermione agreed. Things seemed to be looking up. Maybe now she could finally get some decent food. MaryPeggySueLynn returned shortly with a bag of snack food that Hermione didn't recognize. "What are those?" she asked curiously.

"Pork rinds," MaryPeggySueLynn responded happily.

"Pardon me? Did I hear you right?" she asked, sincerely hoping that 'pork rinds' was just an American slang term.

"Well you see, they take the skin off of pigs, deep fat fry them, and then salt them. They are absolutely delicious! Don't you have them in England?" MaryPeggySueLynn questioned.

"No," Hermione replied shortly, wondering how she would get out of eating them. Quickly she started a conversation with MaryPeggySueLynn about her school, and got MaryPeggySueLynn so involved that she didn't notice that Hermione wasn't eating.

"Yes, our school's pretty stupid! They have so many rules, and the classes are so boring…I don't see why we should learn any of that stuff anyways…it's not like I will ever actually use any of it." MaryPeggySueLynn concluded.

Hermione's heart sank. This was not going to be any fun at all! She would rather be back at Hogwarts and have Snape for every class of the day than be here! The food was awful! The people were ignorant! And she missed Ron and Harry.

That night Hermione lay in bed listening to the crickets chirping, clinging to the frail hope that there would be someone at school who could appreciate learning, and herself. School had always been her friend in the past! Why should it not be now? She asked herself, but fearing that everything in this country might be as horrible as what she had already seen.

Hermione and muggle studies belong to J.K. Rowling. I own the smiths… J.K. Rowling can have them if she wants them (though I can't see why she would).

This story has been brought to you by the P.A.R.A.O.O.P.R.N. (Partnership Against Rednecks and Other Overly Pious Religious Nuts). At the moment I am the only member (which makes it hard to be a partnership), if you are interested in joining, contact me. (it's free, and we don't do anything…I just made it up)


	2. Chapter Two

Hermione Tries to Register for Real Classes

Hermione Tries to Register for Real Classes

The next morning Hermione was awakened very early the next morning by a rooster crowing. The rooster, however, did not make a happy cock-a-doodle-doo sound like stories always say they do. Instead it sounded like a cat was being drowned and yowling at top volume. In any case, it was not a pleasant way to wake up. Moments later MaryPeggySueLynn came in to wake Hermione up. "Oh good Lizzy, I'm glad you're awake," she said. "We have to be outside waiting for the bus by 6:45," she explained.

"Really?" Hermione asked in surprise. "What time does your school start?"

"At 8:15," MaryPeggySueLynn replied. "But it's an awfully long bus ride. It would be longer if Junior, that's our bus driver, hadn't disabled the governor." 

Hermione was horrified. "He did what?" she nearly screamed.

"Oh, no. Not the _Governor person_, the governor on a school bus is a device that keeps it from going faster than 45 miles an hour." Hermione was used to the metric system, and wasn't exactly sure how fast 45 m/h was, but she realized that this was not a safe situation. "So, get dressed, and then come on out and have breakfast," MaryPeggySueLynn directed.

It took Hermione a few moments to decide what to wear, because she was so used to wearing a black robe, just like everyone else at Hogwarts. And before Hogwarts she had gone to a private school where uniforms were required. Hoping to blend in with the other students she finally decided on a pair of faded blue jeans and a plain blue t-shirt. At breakfast neither MaryPeggySueLynn nor BillyBobbyGeorgieBoy made any comments about what she was wearing so she assumed that she had succeeded. At breakfast she was served a white porridge-type thing. It didn't have much flavor, but at least it was edible.

"Oh, you don't eat grits like that!" MaryPeggySueLynn laughed. "Here, put on some butter," she said scooping a large amount onto Hermione's plate, "And then mix in some sugar," she explained piling a large amount of sugar onto the buttery grits. Stirring the sugar in to the grits with mounting dread, Hermione pondered why anyone would name a food "grits". To her surprise it wasn't as horrible as she had expected, although it was quite unusual and not especially pleasant either. She managed to eat at least half of it.

(Author's note, I don't know if people do that anywhere else (I assume they must) but the first time (actually the only time) I saw this happen it shocked me. Maybe I'm easily shocked, but doesn't that sound gross to you?)

"You get to register for classes this morning," MaryPeggySueLynn reminded her as they ate. "What classes do you want to take?"

"I'm not sure," Hermione confessed. "What do you recommend?"

"Well, all the classes are boring, obviously," MaryPeggySueLynn began, and Hermione felt her heart sinking further. "Of course I'll go with you to help register, I'll try to help you get into the easiest classes possible."

"But I don't want to be in easy classes!" Hermione finally shrieked in outrage. "The whole reason I came here was to learn!" The whole table became deathly silent, everyone's eyes were focused on Hermione.

"Whut dew yew meen, yew wunt to lern?" Mr. Smith thundered. "That ain't natural! I've never herd of nuthin so…so…so…" Mr. Smith's small vocabulary seemed unable to come up with a fitting word. "wrong," he finally concluded.

Hermione looked down at the table, at Hogwarts she was always outspoken, no matter WHAT anyone thought. But in a strange country, with a strange family, where she was supposed to be adapting to their customs, she didn't feel the same. Taking another bite of her grits she resolved to keep more of her opinions to herself.

"Now darling," Mrs. Smith began sweetly "I'm sure Lizzy doesn't mean that. She's probably just having a difficult time adjusting from England," She said England as if it were a very bad thing she didn't like to think of. "She's probably so nervous that she doesn't realize what she's saying. Really James, we must make allowances." Hermione pressed her lips together very hard, and bit down on the quite savagely to keep from saying anything. Soon after they finished eating, the three children headed down the dirt road to the bus stop.

It was the first time that Hermione had ever ridden on a bus, and she did not find the experience pleasant at all. The bus driver, Junior was not at all what Hermione had expected. He was a tiny shriveled old man with long gray hair in a ratty ponytail. His face was a mass of thick leathery wrinkles, and he talked out of the side of his mouth with such an accent that Hermione couldn't understand a word he said. Riding on a bus, she discovered, was similar to riding a hippogriff, except worse. The bus lurched up and down, and also swayed side to side as it tore down the windy mountain roads. It was not at all a pleasant feeling that was compounded by the smell of the bus. It seemed to be a mixture of overheated rubber, rotten fruit and dirty socks.

Hermione was quite relieved a little over an hour later when they arrived at the school. MaryPeggySueLynn lead her directly to the assistant principal's office. After being introduced, the three sat down to figure out Hermione's schedule.

"Now I've already received a transcript from your school in England, and I've registered you for your academic classes. You will have honors chemistry first period, and Pre-calculus fourth period, now we just need to pick out two electives for you." The principal began.

"You're takin' smart classes?" MaryPeggySueLynn gasp. Hermione smiled apologetically.

"Her academic classes are not up for discussion, at the moment! Electives are," MaryPeggySueLynn was interrupted coldly by the principal. Hermione realized suddenly that by being exceptionally smart, and making high scores she would probably be improving the school's record drastically.

"Would you be interested in taking any Family and Consumer Sciences classes?" the principal asked.

"What is that?" Hermione asked, quite puzzled.

"It's the politically correct name for Home Economics."

Isn't home economics politically correct enough? Hermione wondered silently. "And what are home economics?" she asked.

"Well, cooking, child development, sewing, interior decorating, fashion design, it covers many topics," the principal explained.

"Yes, that might be interesting," she agreed. "Cooking might be nice," she added, thinking maybe she could learn to prepare herself some edible food.

"Alright, we'll put you down for foods and nutrition," the principal agreed. "And what about child development? Would you like to take that class too?"

"Ok," Hermione agreed, mainly because she couldn't think of any other classes she might like to take.  


(Ok, I know these aren't Hermione type classes, but I took both of these, mainly to fill spaces in my schedule, and I want desperately to make fun of them)

A/NOk, Hermione is J.K.Rowlings, the rednecks own themselves. I'm really short on time, so that's it.


End file.
